your not so typical blood loving light hating chocolate craving midnight pretty monster who runs around the house half naked, goes around breaking rules, listening to other people' s problems but not having the ability to solve her own.
I'm trying not to wonder what you're doing now and it still hurts somehow Our pictures disappeared with communications down and I'm living out of town But the Formula For Love was found to be untrue - I wait for you To call me up someday and tell me that you're wrong-it's been too long And the formula for love was found to be untrue - I wait for you Don't try to tell me that my love for you was wrong And don't try to tell me that you knew it all along You never loved, you don't know how And I feel bad for you right now I'm trying not to wonder whose heart you'll break this time- You can bet it won't be mine
-FALL OUT BOY
saw his account today.
plenty of greetings
(as expected)
i tried if he'll accept the request
HE DIDN'T
it's time.
to.
kill.
(joke)
really need to move forward.
i shouldn't have greeted him anyway.
madami pa namang iba sa buhay niya
di naman ako kawalan..
never akong naging kawalan.
dapat di ko na lang binago sarili ko
para sa kanya.
i fucking hate him.
I DID EVERYTHING FOR NOTHING
darn it.
im fucked up.
i fucking hate you.
no more nice kath
HAPPY RE-BIRTHDAY
EVIL KATH.
live.laugh.love..DIE!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
11:51 PM
birthday that is. shall i greet you? i don't know. i really want to. but.. should i? i dont even know if you still remember my birthday..
I've been thinking more about you every single darn day. you fill my thoughts even though i don't want to. Do you still care? do you still think of me? have you really shut me out from your life? i really think you do. you're the one who told me to get over it right?
i haven't seen you for 2 or three weeks now. im wondering how are you doing i really want to fix stuff but people and circumstances hinder me.
my logic's really telling me that we weren't really meant to be the situation, background, the people..everything we just don't fit but why do i still feel the same I'm really trying to justify my loss to tell myself that we shouldn't be together but no matter how hard i try i still end up at square one
we were at a theme park yesterday. it feels so lousy. cuz wherever i look i see you or something that has to do with you.
i hate this feeling and i really want it to go away. i want to let you go. but i can't
come monday will i see you? will we continue to ignore each other will we continue to pretend that nothing ever happened will i continue to pretend that i am okay especially when facing my seniors? will i continue to act stupid and numb when i really feel angry and hurt?
will i? will we?
and.. how will i react when i learn that you've found another one..
i might as well DIE.
live.laugh.love..DIE!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
4:44 AM
"journalism is a call for volunteerism" -Angelo Palmones ABS-CBN
despite seeming chaos during the 9th journalism Seminar in our school organized by the senior mass com students, i really loved how i learned a lot from it. entitled Juxtaposed: Constructing Media roles amidst political Arena, it opened my eyes on how i, as a future journalist, must face the demands and threats of my future line of work.
Dangers abound in my future profession as a journalist like political bribes, death threats and risky assignments. But after the seminar, i was enlightened and was given an idea on how i could face these problems in the near future.
It is very unfortunate to think how small most people regard the press. They do not have the slightest inkling how pain staking and dangerous their job is, just to get the latest scoop and deliver the truth right at their doorsteps. It's also very saddening how 1 out of 3 Filipino journalists must succumb to "envelop mentalism" because most journalists especially those in the provinces could barely make ends meet.
Being a journalist may not be the highest paying job, it may not even be enough for me to buy a sprawling mansion that i always dreamed of for my parents, but being a fiscalizer of change and serving my country in an honest to goodness manner is enough to make my heart melt with sheer joy. As Mr. Mark Salazar of GMA news (who was also one of our guest speakers that day) said after helping some farmers in a remote place in Batangas to claim their rightful land from greedy land developers who plans to turn the small island into a golf course , it was enough for him to hear words of gratitude from those simple fellows, that it he really felt glad that he was able to perform his duty as a catalyst for change. For tomorrow he says, is another story to cover and hopefully, another soul to help.
live.laugh.love..DIE!
Sunday, February 21, 2010
4:28 AM
February 19 2010, sunday i opened my YM account hoping to catch my cousin online instead, someone else sent me a PM HIM
him (2/21/2010 6:31:42 PM): miss na rin kita him(2/21/2010 6:31:49 PM): pero me (2/21/2010 6:34:32 PM): pero? him (2/21/2010 6:36:19 PM): pero ang alin? me(2/21/2010 6:36:28 PM): sabi mo me(2/21/2010 6:36:37 PM): "miss na rin kita pero" me(2/21/2010 6:36:40 PM): ano? me(2/21/2010 6:36:53 PM): sabi ko sayo di ako manghuhula him (2/21/2010 6:37:49 PM): sinabi ko na kaya him (2/21/2010 6:37:52 PM): sabi ko fai flourite (2/21/2010 6:37:55 PM): ano? him (2/21/2010 6:37:58 PM):kailangan nating mag move on
go. go break my heart into a million pieces over and over again. until i crumble and turn to dust until i get swept by the wind to a far away place
why do you have to torment me repeatedly? isn't it enough? why do you have to PM me why did you have to say you missed me too then you'll tell me that we both freaking need to move on
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
live.laugh.love..DIE!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
2:39 AM
Of all the things I've believed in I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes but I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by
I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
Feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend
And I said
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
-michelle branch
goodbye..goodbye..goodbye to you..
it's just now, i realized how i really really loved you.
akala ko kaya kong wala ka.
or mababaw lang to..
but i was wrong..
it's been how many weeks? months even..
but why do i still feel the pain?
why do i still want YOU
why?
i realized how precious every memory is, now that he's gone
and i dont think he'll be coming back
i realized how i CAN't bring back lost time
how i wished we never fought
how i wished we never misunderstood
how i wished we swallowed our pride
how i wished we never had to end up this way
and everytime i feel that im really moving forward
there's this memory of you
and of us
that keeps pulling me back to square one.
relapse.
but i whole heartedly gave you your freedom.
do what you want.
as long as you're happy
im fine with it.
even though i know
it will never be..
WITH ME.
*man. i really sound pathetic. but no. i wont chase after you anymore..*
be happy..you'll always be.
my zettai kareshi.: ')
live.laugh.love..DIE!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
9:35 PM
"Sometimes, people barge into our lives carrying a bit of code that change you completely – the way a tiny dot would completely alter a program. And when it happens, it is always unexplained, unexpected and sadly, not quite UNDO-able."
-from Fully articulated blog (www.mistula.com/uno)
i faced one of the lowest days/events in my life.. and yet here i am still alive and breathing
I'm nothing short of a SURVIVOR. ha-ha
everyone's acting weird lately Rey Ann has her problems with Kevin Sarah has become more quiet Pam is getting more irritable by the day Rox has her personal moo-moos as well Julie Anne is bothered by the weird trembling in her hands Richelle has colds *that's by far her biggest problem now. she sounds like a bass ngo-ngo.haha*
i can say I'm feeling much better now, but there are still times that he randomly pops in my mind. and i can't deny the fact that i really DO miss him he seems to be coping with life in a much better way that i do. good for him. don't know if he's dating again. (i don't want to date again for now. XD)
well. i just realized that i need to be strong for my friends. i can't show them how weak and feeble i really am. i should be the one to understand when they're having their mood swings or gray skies.. 'because i dont want to end up regretting again how i failed miserably to give the love and attention to the people i really cared for but never dared to go out of my way and make them feel special for all the time i lost and wasted, just because i valued my pride more and i don't want to end up as the born loser i really am.
maybe our fairytale is over but i still have my friends. and little miss snow white could always find another prince charming. but her dwarfs can never ever be replaced
i cant give him my love now. so i'm giving it to the people who really deserve it.
post script:
happy birthday dearest jane/alex! may you be happy with your dearest prince alex from the kingdom of chorvaloo! hahaha and dont make the same mistake that i did. Alex seems to be a great guy. he deserves YOU.:)
live.laugh.love..DIE!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
4:35 AM
I Can't Be With You
The cranberries
From LyricWiki
117502466 Lying in my bed again And I cry 'cause you're not here Crying in my head again And I know that it's not clear Put your hands, put your hands Inside my face and see that it's just you But it's bad and it's mad And it's making me sad Because I can't be with you
Be with you, be with you Be with you, be with you Be with you, be with you Baby, I can't be with you
Thinking back on how things were And on how we loved so well I wanted to be the mother of your child And now it's just farewell
Put your hands in my hands And come with me We'll find another end And my head, and my head On anyone's shoulder 'Cause I can't be with you
Be with you, be with you Be with you, be with you Be with you, be with you Baby, I can't be with you
'Cause you're not here, you're not here Baby I can't be with you 'Cause you're not here, you're not here And baby, I'm still in love with you
no. wont be checking on him anymore. i know it'll fade someday but it might take forever.. oh well i dont care. i'll try to move on. accept that some things aren't meant maybe not now maybe not ever only time will tell..
live.laugh.love..DIE!
Monday, February 15, 2010
6:01 AM
commented on someone's fb last Sunday. and that certain someone is really really very insulting like..*that* thing (IT doesn't deserve a human pronoun) ignored me. WTF sya pa bitter i am trying to make amends with that jerk.. i am so f*cking sick with this damn thing.
DELETED *that* person in my Facebook list. why? cuz i dont want US to be connected in anyway anymore huwag kung huwag. i don't give a damn. *that thing* doesn't deserve my attention or affection.
im not bitter. im just annoyed. wish i never encountered *IT*
(that thing isn't human..no *that* doesn't deserve to be)
live.laugh.love..DIE!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
3:28 AM
weee. i feel much lighter na. sa kabila ng napakaraming gawain. sabi ko talga i wont let my chance pass. bahala na siya. im moving on. i've done my part. i'll fix what i still can apologize to those i've done wrong
and continue to love those who still believe in mee. im hopeful..
p.s. im looking for love.:)
live.laugh.love..DIE!
Saturday, February 13, 2010
1:40 AM
what's so great about valentine's day? chocolates? flowers? mushy stuff?
after heart breaking events.(literally) how could someone like me spend my V-day
nah. nothing really special maybe visit my great grandma in the cemetery attend a mass doing homeworkz. moving on and eating chocolate all along
and instead of calling off Valentine's day as a stupid holiday,i would really encourage everyone to spread the love not just romantic love:)
it feels good to love.and be loved in return
happy V-day guys.mwapz!
live.laugh.love..DIE!
Friday, February 12, 2010
2:25 AM
whew. i can't entirely say that all the negative emotions i have had now fizzled out but at least im pretty much okay compared to the last 5 weeks of solitary misery i had to endure.
i met up with a good old friend i haven't seen in quite a while. after a really long talk and some sharing, she gave me a chocolate. chocolate it may not be the most expensive kind in the market but it really made me feel good. it wasn't because of the caffeine in it it was because i received it whole heartedly (we never knew that we would bump into each other today)
i know sometimes God makes a way it may not really seem obvious at times but HE DOES MIRACLES EVERYDAY as what had happened to me today i really can't deny that this maybe in fact one of the lowest points in my life right now. and bumping into a friend is a really jolly blessing to have
my heart feels a bit lighter now. and i can honestly say that i think i CAN move on with everything that has happened to me..
i just need more time. with myself and with the people who i can really trust.:)
live.laugh.love..DIE!
Thursday, February 11, 2010
6:16 AM
"there are things in life that you can't hold on forever, no matter how much you fight for it. "
sometimes we just have to give up on a fight. why? because no matter how much we fight for it, we know that it is a battle that cannot be won giving up doesn't mean that you' re a loser. it may also mean that some things are just not worth fighting for anymore
I tried my best to fight for that certain someone. I ALMOST gave up on everything i believed in in letting go of the things i cherished (the publication) but a sudden thought hit me when a certain senior (whom i will not mention) made me think about quitting that senior said:
"if you can really see him as someone who you' ll be spending your life with then go, quit and give up on your principles, your belief, your cause as a member of the publication. But if you don't think twice dear, or else you might regret your decision"
after a few days of soul searching and deep thinking it struck me
that certain senior was right
how can i give up on something I've been fighting my whole college life, arguing everyday with my parents because i go home late from all the meetings and press works, the friendships i made inside the organization and the lessons i learned, just for love built on uncertainty?
and now that we' re through, it made me realize that the decision i made on choosing the newspaper over him was right. I saw how i was blinded by what i felt, maybe i was just too young and inexperienced to see through him. That he was still immature and selfish. That i will not only leave the paper but also the people behind it whom i' ve grown to love and respect. That he cannot even defend me in front of adversaries and problems. We both still have a lot of growing up to do.
he really ruined me. and now i' m bearing the consequences of my actions. But i have no regrets. Because i did it on my own free will, and it wasn't his sole fault anyway.
but can you blame me for being bitter towards him? maybe..he just played around with me. and while i' m still groping at the edge of my nerves, i see him by the window, smiling and talking to someone on the phone..(heard a girl's voice on the other line) all i thought of was "What the f*ck?"
promises are easier broken than made. That's what i learned with this experience with him. He gave me a motive to like him back. maybe i was just his rebound He took advantage of my stupidity, because i was gullible i was alone i was sad he took advantage of everything made me believe that he will always be there made me believe in love he made me believe.
and the fact i really hate the most is he can still make me cry without doing anything at all.even just seeing his picture
i really really hate him and how he can still affect my life it's really difficult to move around him
Gazette is the only thing keeping me alive right now the only force propelling me to go to that god damned forsaken hot as hell office every vacant time the sole motivating force to make me write again to endure all their sarcastic words inflicted towards me to bear all the stress of keeping up with demands and pressures of an academic/catalyst for change student like me
my eyes are still sore and my heart is still bruised
i will never ever forget all the pain everyone has inflicted upon me scorn and "parinig" sessions. i am still embittered pero ganun ko kamahal ang dyaryo i am willing to sacrifice my own comfort and set aside my feelings of disdain and annoyance just to accomplish my responsibility
but don't expect me to smile back at you. whoever you are i am not happy around any of you
I don't know how i can win this fight and conquer my pain my bitterness it's still here silently gnawing inside me especially all the memories.. keeps eating me alive and the more i remember the more i hurt the more i want to die the more i wished that i never met him
BUT
i should go and unfold a new chapter in my life gradually. as painstakingly as possible no more mistakes no rock left unturned no word left unsaid no regrets.
live.laugh.love..DIE!
4:22 AM
i know you might be asking why.. " mukha naman okay si kath ah, ah kanina pa nga siya tumatawa" i heard a friend say i was inside a cubicle in the comfort room but little did they know i wasn't using the bathroom for sanitary purposes i just wanna cry and i took so long because i didnt want any of them to see how depressed i felt that day i really have to admit it though i am weak im having so much emotional burden.. after a break up after losing a dear friend after a death of a loved one
i know i can fake a laugh, a joke, a smile at the campus but when i go home, enter my room and lock the doors i let my world crash down and crumble upon me.
i really sound pathetic but i really need to let some steam off i am very much exhaustedwith all that has happened to me lately
parang, bakit nagkasabay sabay pa? and to think that february is the month of sharing and giving pure and unselfish love
i lost everything. everyone i loved so dearly every relationship i had every time, year, moment and memory i built got lost.. it all just disintegrated right before my eyes im really trying my best to be strong right now
no one said moving on is easy. im heading for a major emotional breakdown i really don't know how long i could keep this f*cking thing up.
*sigh* it's all too easy to die
live.laugh.love..DIE!
2:57 AM
i know i will have the strength to.. i never knew Rhona had a crush on him.. hahaha it's really funny to think.. that he ended up with me. anyway.. i really should forget him cried so hard last night. cant help it, i suddenly remembered all the sacrifices and memories i had with him, the fights the misunderstandings and the day i said goodbye. i knew it will never work for us anymore no matter how much i wanted him to stay. even now, whenever i look back on what we had, i cant stop tears from falling.
i always thought that it will be some sort of a whirlwind romance. i was right.
it was a mistake to love him in the first place but i know it will be one of the best mistakes i did.
it's not because i loved to not follow the unwritten rue it's because thru him i learned to really love someone other than myself or my friends to sacrifice be patient swallow my pride to cry to feel loved for the very first time in my life
oh no. im feeling so emotional all over again but as that cliche saying goes: "you will never forget your firsts"
so to you kaijuu-mon (i know it will really take a while to get over you completely,) although we ended up in a not-so-good manner
